Tuesday, August 21, 2012

A Summer of Reflection

*I'm a terrible person. I really am. I keep telling all of you that I'll make a last video and then I just do a written post instead. Sigh. Well, anyway. Today's post is a bit lengthy, so if you want to skip it I don't mind. 

I don't often talk about my personal convictions and beliefs on this blog. When I started it I wanted it to be a non-biased medium of sharing my experiences of writing, reaching out to like-minded individuals, and hopefully helping some fellow writers in their craft. But as summer comes into an end and I start the last year of my high school education, what might even be my last year at home, I want to look back and think about what has happened over this summer. And I cannot do that without expressing my gratitude to my Lord. He was such a powerful element that I can't fully explain how I've grown without explaining how he's helped me along the way.

This has truly been a summer that I've prayed for and more. 

At the end of Junior year I was exhausted. So many things of this world were tugging at my heart. I constantly found myself betraying my base principles so that I might better please my school friends and earn a level of respect that I had always known I would never get unless I renounced the name of God, which is something I didn't intend to do anytime soon. Still, I let many things slide with my friends. They mocked my religion, looked down on my principles, and expected me to smile while they did it. And personally, even without my beliefs they still got to me. Don't get me wrong, they're great people, really. But I felt like whenever I had a problem I had to suck it up and deal with it so that I could stay on their good side. More often then not I felt like they didn't really care whether or not I was there.

Not only that but there problems with my friends at church too. Understand, these people had been close to my heart since childhood. I can't imagine a time where we didn't know, care and depend on each other. We were each other's rocks when the ways of the world became too much. These people, these people I felt I could express myself freely with. It seemed like no matter what we'd always be a part of each other's lives. But, with the inevitable pains of growing up, I began to see that there were a fair share of problems in this dynamic as well. Really bad things happened to really good people and it started to tear us apart. There was always a fight, there were always sides to pick, there was always hatred for the poor soul who took up the mantel of peacemaker. All the sudden it seemed like we all hated each other. And, as it usually goes, I was left behind in all of it, picking up the broken pieces and trying to hold on to the memories of when there was nothing but love between us.

And, of course, there was the time old classic of my disconnection with my family. A sister who hates the world and focuses that hate on me, a brother who I barely know, parents who I struggle to understand, etc.

After a while, I got sick of the drama.

So before summer started, I prayed that I could have a summer of peace. I prayed that God would keep the drama at bay and give me a chance to sort out my thoughts, see what I could do to better the situation and help all those who were hurting. What I got was all that and more.

I'll start with the part that you're all interested in, the writing. 

As I've mentioned in past blogs, all of my siblings ended up at camp at some point in the summer. My older brother and younger sister left for the majority of the summer to be workers, my younger brother went only for the last two weeks. This meant, more or less, that the house was mine to do as I pleased. But, much to the joy of my parents, I hadn't done much at all. Sure, I did enjoy a few freedoms that are allotted when you are alone, such as listening to my music without my headphones and occasionally peeing with the door open. (I'm weird.) And yes, I was in an utter state of bliss with having a clean house that I could roam about as I pleased without fear of running into any monsters, terrible beasts or krakans.

But even more so I invested my time in something I would have done whether or not my siblings and parents were there, my writing. The summer presented a rare opportunity, the last summer I could get away with not having a job, so I devoted most of my time solely to my passion. I am proud to say that I completed NaNoWriMo once, and that I am now on the downwards slope to finishing the third novel in The Order of Vemberia series. I've also started looking into going to a conference in Colorado in February, and bought The Pocket Muse by Monica Wood so that over the year I can work on my short work. I've also surprisingly met many writers and grown closer to ones I already know. It's been a summer of writing.

But that's not all. 

He also gave me a reconciliation with friends. Because of camp, again, some were sent to camp while most stayed back at home. It gave us time to learn how to enjoy each other's presence again, to repair the parts of the relationship that broke and build it up so that we would be ready to do the same with the ones who left for camp. Not only that, but I also made more friends who now I feel I've known my whole love and have some to love with all my heart. The optimistic and stead fast air of the church did much for my weary heart, reminding me that life doesn't half to be terrible and that I'm blessed beyond my imagination. All I have to do is lean on God, and somehow everything will work out. That little fact has been in my face all my life and yet I continue to forget it. Whenever I look to the world I find myself in a spiral of pessimism and despair, yet when I look to God I find happiness abounding. And when with him I find that I am never, ever alone.

God has given me much growth this summer, something I will carry with me for the rest of my days. And I could not thank Him enough for the awesome time I've had.

Psalms 37:4 Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.

1 comment:

  1. This was beautiful! You are so blessed and God loves you soooooo much!!! I love that verse by the way