Tuesday, October 9, 2012

The Five Stages of Post-Novel Completion

That dude looks like he just finished a novel, right?
The Dinner Stage: You've just pounded out your last sentence and YOU ARE THE FREAKING BOMB YO! You're bullet proof, nothing to lose. Fire away, fire away. Ricochet, you take your aim. Fire away, fire away. You still remember it, the very last sentence. You will never forget it as long as you live. And now that you've reported your successful endeavor on Facebook, why not celebrate with dinner?

The Honeymoon Stage: You're reading it, and it's pure gold. Easily the best piece of fiction to ever exist in the History of Man, Monkey, and Comquate. Seriously, you should be doing this for a living or something. Centuries from now historians will speculate as too just how it could it be possible to be as awesome as you? And you know what? THEY WILL FAIL! BECAUSE IT DON'T GET BETTER THEN YOU SO DEAL WITH IT YOU IGNORANT BARBARIANS! Now, just sit back and wait for the awards to start rolling in.

The Sharing Stage: The best things in life should be shared, don't you agree? So pass around the draft, let your friends shower you with praise over your sheer awesomeness. If they can handle it, that is.

The Dreading Stage: So you've gotten some feedback for your manuscript. All in good spirit, you know. As they say, no matter how awesome something is, it can only get better. Still, there's something in the pit of your stomach, and it's either dread or the intense need to pee. But you haven't drunk any fluids for the last few days, you've been so anxious about your baby-YOU MEAN BOOK-out in the world for the first time. Hmmmm....maybe its time to give your manuscript another work.

The Editing Stage: You can't remember what happiness is. How could you ever love this abomination? Look at it, it's disgusting. It's literally making you puke. THeir r jst SO MaNy, gramer, mitsakes,,,that. you dont no waht! tO do "wi"th ur self>/ And that kissing scene in the bathroom? Ew. So overdone. You know what? That whole romance is so over done. You should have just killed off those characters. Not only that, but this is so obviously based off of your life. Yeah, that's right. You hoped no one would notice but it's so glaringly in their faces that they'd have to be blind not to know. No, wait, even a blind person could tell. AND OHMYGOSH WHY DO YOU KEEP USING THE WORD PROBABLY? This is no novel. This is toilet paper, at best. You need Jesus.

~Sigh...Finished my fourth manuscript (third in the series) yesterday. Have a fantastic freaking day people.

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